The number of people now choosing to follow Pagan paths in the U.S. and other countries of the Western world has grown considerably in recent years. Unfortunately, those of us who've been practicing Pagan faith traditions are too few, and in many cases not well educated enough in secular matters, to meet the demand of training. It is from the perspective of Witchcraft, because it is the Pagan path I know best, that I offer the following information.

I think Paganism can fairly be said to be an ancient new religion, in the sense that we draw from many sources in the past and present and create new forms to meet the future. Contemporary American Paganism has enjoyed a resurgence since around the 1950s or '60s, with the rise of the counterculture, with new awareness of ecological concerns, antiwar protests, new music, back-to-the-land utopian pursuits, and the many other cultural phenomena.

We Pagans are generally a well-read, highly individualistic and opinionated lot. We all have different notions about what death means, and where we go, if anywhere, after we die. I think it's fair to say that most Pagans believe in some form of reincarnation, but certainly all do not. Some go to Summerland, Avalon, the Isle of Apples, Tir na Nog, Cerridwen's cauldron, even Valhalla.

Some might feel strongly about being cremated, while others feel just as passionately about green burials. One person might wish to have her ashes strewn in her garden or sitting on her coven's permanent altar. Another might want his ashes - or, more realistically, his photo and some small personal belongings - placed on a small model Viking ship that is then set afire and set adrift in the ocean.

It is important to keep in mind, though, that there is no law in any state that I know of which requires embalming. Only in certain circumstances, such as shipping the body a long distance before interment, is embalming mandated by law. Preserving the body is not in keeping with the widely-held Pagan notion of returning to the Elements of life. Perhaps it is the belief of Kemetic (Egyptian) practitioners to preserve the physical body in some way, but most Pagans view the decay of the body as a matrix for new life. "The earth takes in the dead through a thousand mouths that reduce each body to its most basic elements, and those elements, in turn, feed the living, nourish the roots of the great trees, and send the vultures winging aloft."

While Pagans may have many beliefs about death and dying, one skill in which many of us are trained or have great talent is the ability to employ intuition in our work.

By intuition, I do not mean wish, desire, fantasy or projection, but true intuitive knowledge that comes from a direct perception, an "immediate apprehension by the mind without reasoning."

If a loved one is undergoing a prolonged transition from life to death, perhaps wasting from a disease, you have the opportunity to sit vigil with the dying.

Sitting vigil with the dying is a profound privilege. There can be no rule book, no formula to follow in assisting someone in passing through the veil from the world of flesh to that of pure spirit. Each death, like each birth, is unique, and has its own sequence, process and pace. Sitting vigil is very similar to midwifing birth, except that in the case of dying, the person is going the other direction, through the veil into another realm of existence, rather than coming from there into this physical plane. This is a time to use your intuition in doing what's best with, to and for your dying loved one.

Take all your cues about what you do and do not do from the dying person, and not from anyone else - not even those inspired by the best intentions of yourself or someone else.

If she is responsive to being lead through a guided meditation, then a meditation, either one of your own making or one from a book, is what you provide. I recommend the following meditations from The Pagan Book of Living and Dying (TPBOL&D):

Moon Mediation for Facing Death (p. 37),
Descend and Return with Inanna (p. 46), or
Pentacle of Pearl (p. 110).

If there are other people with you and the dying person, try A Meditation for Friends, Lovers, or Partners (p. 59).

Death is often a time when old, unresolved interpersonal conflicts resurface. Death offers a blessed opportunity for healing of rifts. Whether these old hurts were within the dying one¹s biological family or chosen family, the opening for healing to occur can be facilitated by performing the Forgiveness Meditation (p. 65).

Be aware that those who are going through the passage will be on an emotional roller coaster, from anger to acceptance. Allow for behavior that may be deemed peculiar or unacceptable under normal circumstances.

Whether a death is expected or sudden and untimely, I recommend that if at all possible the family and loved ones wash and prepare the body for disposal. One reason of washing your own dead is that the absolute truth of the loss can be understood on a kinesthetic, gut level. There is no doubt that the spirit of the beloved who once animated that flesh no longer abides there.

Respectfully and lovingly, using clear spring water, wash and bless each part of the body, from the toes to the top of the head. You may wish to use water mixed with salt and bay instead of plain water. Speak aloud your blessings in the presence of each other and your deceased. Suggested words to use can be found on p. 152 of TPBOL&D.

After you have washed the body, you may wish to anoint it with an oil that smells nice and retards the growth of viruses and bacteria. A citrus oil base combined with rosemary works well. You can also add rose for love, lavender for peace, frankincense, honey, myrrh, and/or cypress.

Some Pagans rub red ocher pigment all over the body. At this point, if the death occurred in the home, call the local coroner or funeral director with whom arrangements have been made, and that person will pick up the body to take it to the funeral home or crematorium.

Have the garments, perhaps his ritual robes, you feel are most appropriate for your beloved dead to be buried or cremated in ready to give to the funeral professionals. Instead of clothing, you may wish your beloved to be laid out under a sheet, blanket or other cloth covering. Or you may wish to wrap the body in silk, scented with the herbs mentioned above or others of your preference. However you choose to dress your deceased, you may also wish to strew herbs and/or flowers upon her body after she's been completely prepared and before her body is given to Earth or Fire.

All these procedures can be modified if you are planning a home or family-directed funeral. Methods for doing this can be found on pp. 180-183 of TPBOL&D. In the case of a home funeral, you¹ll do other things to prepare the body for viewing and disposal.

Our country (the U.S.) today is multicultural and multifaith. Furthermore, most followers of contemporary Pagan paths have consciously chosen the path, which is somewhat different from having been brought up in a practicing Pagan household. Consequently, our loved ones who are dying and those who are grieving their loss are usually of different faith traditions.

The time of a loved one's dying is not the time to advance your own spiritual agenda - or any other kind of agenda for that matter. We need to keep in mind that everyone is suffering the pain of loss, not just the Pagans. It's of utmost importance that we respect the feelings and faith traditions of everyone involved in a dying.

This can be complicated by the fact that your dying friend may be a Pagan from a non-Pagan family. You friend may have asked you to be involved in her passing in spite of the fact that her family may not understand or appreciate your being there. But it is up to the dying person to exercise as much self-determination as she wants to and to determine for herself, if she is able, just who she wants in attendance and what spiritual views she wishes to have expressed in her presence.

In most states, the wishes of the dying person can be ensured by her having executed a durable power of attorney naming the person or persons she most trusts to carry out her wishes. There is a durable power of attorney form in Appendix D of TPBOL&D, or you can obtain a form from your health care provider, attorney or from many websites. Recent court rulings have given current powers of attorney precedence over biological family in determining authority for what is done with and for the dying and dead.

Or your dying relative may be a Christian while you yourself are a Witch, with a different perspective on death. You don't want to repress your own feelings and beliefs while at the same time it is inappropriate to foist them on others who may be closed to them. Especially in such critical times, people are not likely to be open to unfamiliar ways of thinking. There are those who are most receptive at such times, but it¹s best to assume that they are not unless and until they make it known to be otherwise.

Exacerbating these differences of belief and approach is our shared grief. And grief causes people to behave in peculiar ways. We may be rigid in our attitudes about what is the "right" method of disposal or the "right" service. We may cling to the deceased's belongings and not let anyone else near them. We may be cranky.These facts must be kept in mind when planning a funeral or memorial. (A funeral is a ceremony that takes place with the body present; a memorial takes place after the body has been disposed.)

One area in which Pagan and non-Pagan survivors can usually collaborate, with the potential for solace to all, is in building an altar in memory of the deceased. Using photographs of the loved one, his or her jewelry or other belongings, favorite flowers or plants, favorite foods, and your collective creativity, survivors can honor and celebrate the life of the person whose loss you both mourn. In planning a collaborative ceremony with people of other faiths, build an altar to your loved one together.

Another way to include all mourners of any faith tradition in the rites in your loved one¹s honor is to provide the opportunity for everyone who wishes to share personal stories about the beloved. I recommend using a "talking stick" method. Rather than using a stick, however, you may wish to use an object that belonged to the deceased, such as a trowel if she had been a gardener in life, a catching glove if he played baseball, a wooden spoon if your deceased loved to cook, or even a lock of her hair.

In order to ensure that everyone who wants to will have an opportunity to speak, explain the process and suggest a time limit. Have plenty of tissue to pass around with the object because these intimate stories have the benefit of eliciting tears, the shedding of which honors the loved one and helps her to make a more loving transit from this world to another.

Another way to do this is to open the dais, pulpit or speaker¹s stand to people who may come up as they are moved to speak. Because those close to the deceased often don't remember what has been said at a ceremony, providing a book where people can write down their memories can bring comfort to others later.

In my experience, most clergy and funeral professionals are open to collaboration on creating an effective ceremony that meets the needs of all mourners. However, if that is not the case, you can always create a different rite for Pagan survivors in addition to the more conventional one the family may have requested.

You may wish the conclude the ceremony with everyone singing this simple round:

"When we are gone, they will remain,
wind and rock, fire and rain.
They will remain when we return.
The wind will blow and the fire will burn."

Pagans celebrate our beloved dead in community once a year at Samhain, the night when the veil that divides the worlds is thinnest. This offers us yet another opportunity to mourn our dead, this time collectively rather than individually. It is another step towards processing our loss.

Remember that grief has no timetable. It is unkind to say to someone in mourning, "It's been a year now; it's time for you to stop crying and get on with your life." And if anyone says such a thing to you, disregard it. Grief is an individual process that takes as long as it takes. The complex beings that we humans are include emotion. Unfortunately, our mundane culture expects us to soldier on in spite of the profound emotional shock that death engenders. Our grief should be respected, and each of us should be allowed time to experience and process our loss.

If you're like most people, you probably feel at a loss as to what to say to a friend who's recently lost someone to death. You can simply invite him to talk if he wants. He may need to tell the death story over and over; it is a tool for him to process the loss. Touch or hold him, if appropriate and he will allow it, because touch helps to reaffirm that we are alive.

May these suggestions help you and your loved ones to share the sacred time of crossing over. Remind yourself, when you may be overcome with grief and have no way to openly express it, that "what is remembered lives." We keep our loved ones alive in our memories.

---

Speech given at the 4th Pagan Internet Conference, December 28, 2001
Reprinted with permission from M. Macha NightMare
Co-creator, with Starhawk, of The Pagan Book of Living and Dying
and author of Witchcraft and the Web

M. Macha NightMare comments

On the general Pagan view on donating organs: "There is no general view. There are highly individual views. We do, however, have an article in TPBOL&D about organ donation. It was written by two people taking inspiration from the dying god myth in Graves' The White Goddess."

On the difference between the the needs of those who have lost a loved one to an expected death as opposed to trauma or some other type of violence: "Each death *is* individual.We do have a prayer in our book for one who has died violently or in great distress. My friend Cat Chapin-Bishop (on the faculty of CHS) used to counsel survivors of homicides, the loved ones of someone who had been murdered."

On the tendency of pagans to view death very differently from some of the other belief systems: "We see life in cycles, returning and returning. Others see it as an end, or a transit to another place."

On burials or funerals for those whose family are not pagans: "Most often people can work together, especially if there are 'clergyfolk' as intermediaries. Clergy working things out with clergy. Of course, that doesn't work with fundamentalists of any stripe. If all else fails, create two different rituals. Or go to the Catholic funeral and then do your own with other Pagan mourners... It's important not to be in anyone's face at such a tender time."

On the role of the Hospice in Pagan rites: "I've spoken to hospice workers, and had hospice workers of many faiths come to my workshops... they are a special holy type of person, I think...and they sincerely want to make the passing of those in their care as spiritually satisfying to that dying person as possible. So I'd say that hospice folk, in general, are sympathetic to their patients, regardless of religion.

On what would be considered a typical Pagan rite: "I think Pagan memorials can be as individualistic and unique as we Pagans are, so I don't see that there's a 'typical' Pagan rite. After all, these rituals are for the living. They honor the dead, but they provide the living with a place to share their grief."

Macha will be teaching an online Pagan 'clergy' course
beginning Feb. 6, at Cherry Hill seminary.
Please visit her website at
www.machanightmare.com